I thought we were friends.

See these four beautiful boys?  These are our amazing sons.  We recently passed a milestone.  It's been three years since we became a family.  Sure there have been bumps in the road but the rewards clearly outweigh the frustration, headaches, and occasional urge to run away from home.

However I do have a few questions....Why the hell my "friends" with kids didn't warn us about these joys, I will never know, OR forgive them for their negligence in not telling me.

1- NEVER, ever buy your 12 yr old a cell phone.  We used to have the greatest oldest child who ever lived.  He was kind, helpful, a great big brother (most of the time) and joy to spend time with.  I am sad to tell you that child no longer lives at my house.  The night he was given his phone (the phone he had begged us about for several months...the lack of which was making him a laughing stock to all his friends) we soon discovered, he moved out.   In his place is a child who looks remarkably similar.  Same handsome face, same mop of brown hair....however that's about all I see.  This clone walks around with a bad attitude, head down, staring at his phone.  If a sibling or parent dares to speak, or at times breathe, he storms off.   So constant is the familiar tone of a new arriving text, I now consider it background music.  When he goes too far, and we threaten (or actually) take it away, we have RUINED his life.  Missing the next text from his friend about the latest SpongeBob episode, or Lebron James' latest move may well mean the end of civilization as we know it.  I want my son back.     Someone should have warned me.

2- All 10 year olds are a joy.  Ours is no exception.  Questions, questions, and yep, more questions.  I have been told more insignificant trivia than a 50 year old mind can absorb.   Trivia books and those showing how to pull pranks on your brother are his favorites.  A lack of a fully functional frontal lobe is apparent in his decision making skills.  He is a sweet boy, and has an uncanny ability to make his older brother explode is 3 seconds flat.  He is very proud of this accomplishment and his ability to take a punch.  Maybe a boxing ring would be a better addition to the house than that guest room we had planned.  A "heads up" from a friend who had been through this would have been nice.

3- We have the kindest, most loving 8 year old boy on the planet.  He is a perfect 'best buddy' to his little brother and gets along well with everyone.  He loves to read and can get lost in books for hours.  I have recently learned that he is also part raccoon.  Every morning I wake up and go down to the kitchen, it is evident we had visitors in the kitchen during the wee hours of the night.  Potato chips are a favorite, but this little skinny raccoon will make a mess of about anything.  He will usually leave a trail from the pantry,  through the entry, up the front staircase to his room.  I even find food in his bed.  Oh, we have a "no food leaves the kitchen" rule.  Apparently, this rule doesn't apply if the parental unit has collapsed in exhaustion.  If you were really my friend, you would have warned me.

4-  That leaves us with my sweet baby.  He is gone.  Now we have a very opinionated five year old who will tell you like it is.  Even if it hurts your feelings.  He was once the sweetest boy...and still can be, but only in rare moments.  Mostly he is loud, sometimes whining, usually yelling.  The calm cuddly boy he was a few months ago is now possessed.  By what, I am not sure.  It must be something evil, as he acts more like his oldest brother than my little boy.  Oh, and wait until bedtime. Tell him it's time to go to bed and he will make excuses to be anywhere else for hours.  He will need a drink, then a kiss, then a hug from Dad J, then some milk, where is his favorite stuffed animal of the day, he had a nightmare...it is NONSTOP.   His Dads are ready to collapse and this munchkin keeps coming in with another reason to make us retain consciousness.  Again, someone should have said something.

Now, I don't want to leave you with the wrong impression.   I truly adore my children and am thankful every moment (almost) of every day that they are part of our lives.  I think I just need new friends.  Friends who will tell me the truth...even if it's ugly....even if it hurts.  Or maybe, just maybe that's part of the master plan.  If you keep certain joys of parenthood to yourself, then you get to make fun of your friends as they suffer through certain stages of childrearing.  That's just wrong, but if that's how it works, I will do it too.  So go ahead, ask me how my boys are doing.  That smile that you take as pride, may be something a little more sinister.